This year has felt like a demotion in life.
Not because suffering is new.
I’ve been through hard seasons before.
I know what it feels like to walk through difficult things, to wait, to trust, to believe that somehow God is working even when life doesn’t make sense.
But this felt different.
Because these were battles I thought I had already graduated from.
Challenges I thought I had overcome came back under pressure.
And the one thing I thought I could hold on to…
The one thing I was thankful for.
The one thing I was proud of.
Suddenly felt uncertain.
My “one thing.”
You know those quiet prayers where you tell God,
“At least I don’t have to go through this anymore.”
“At least this part of my life is settled.”
“At least I’m past this.”
Then somehow…
You find yourself right back there.
Going through it like maddddd.
And it almost makes you wonder.
Did I jinx it?
Did I speak too soon?
Did I unknowingly give Satan new ideas?
I know that’s probably not how any of this works.
But pain isn’t always rational.
Sometimes pain doesn’t come looking for explanations.
Sometimes it just asks questions.
And maybe those questions are hardest when you thought you already understood what to expect.
I knew following God came with challenges.
People tell you that when you decide to take God seriously, opposition comes.
I had heard it countless times.
I believed it.
But believing a storm is coming and standing in the middle of one are two completely different experiences.
Knowing doesn’t make it hurt less.
Understanding the possibility of difficulty doesn’t prepare you for the weight of actually carrying it.
The theology remains true.
God is still faithful.
But your humanity remains human.
You can believe and still struggle.
You can trust and still have questions.
You can know what God has said and still wrestle with what you’re experiencing.
Maybe that is part of the journey too.
Maybe maturity with God is not never finding yourself in storms you thought you had outgrown.
Maybe it is learning that even there, He has not left you.